So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
