Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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