I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
