I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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