i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
