Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
