I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
