Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
