They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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