He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
