Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
