Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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