i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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