Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
