Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
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mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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