the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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