So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We left the knife in your bed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
