From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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