Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
