Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize