There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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