Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Randomize
