So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
