my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
