I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
