I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
