i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
