I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
