He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
