god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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