I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
