call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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