and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
