you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
