just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My Higher Power is John Stamos
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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