she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
