I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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