If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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