I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
