Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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