forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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