Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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