worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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