Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
