put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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