I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
