Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
