when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
