why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
