Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She's JV to your varsity
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
