I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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