I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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