I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
