take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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