I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
