there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
