i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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