Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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