You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
