Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
thus making me awesome and them whores
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
