my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
