he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
