your parents love me but you hate me
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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