The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
