and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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